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Many people in faith communities adhere to personal beliefs that prioritize monogamy, commitment, and fidelity within the context of marriage. Engaging in sex outside of marriage conflicts with these values and causes inner turmoil or cognitive dissonance.
This 3-part series is the story of a Christian woman’s struggle with sex outside of marriage. That woman was me. Now, I Want My Vagina Back!TM
I hope that last sentence grabbed your attention!
It is actually the title of a book by Dr Pamela Love Manning, a Certified Professional Life Coach. The first part of the book is a compilation of women’s experiences as same-sex partners, sex workers, and everyday young girls and women who were taken advantage of by neighbors, family members and acquaintances. The second part of the book provides strategies for reclaiming dignity and self-acceptance.
Their stories are not mine. However, their stories do contain elements that are common to most women who have had unwanted sex or, sex as a substitute for a loving, committed relationship. Parts of their stories could also be yours.
So here is my story—shared in three blogs. Part 1, Tangled, chronicles my background and the culture that influenced my views about sexuality and relationships with myself and others. Frustrated, Part 2, includes my sorrowful lows of sex outside of marriage. But don’t stop reading till you get to my favorite part of the story, Part 3, Transformed, where I share the glorious highs of my life with sex the way it was intended to be.
In reading my story, I hope you will receive the gift I offer—encouragement and acceptance of your own story and God’s unfailing love, forgiveness, and grace for you.
Here now is Part 1-Tangled.
I grew up in a home founded upon the Christian principles of my parents. From childhood, my views about God, interpretations of biblical principles, dress, music, and leisure activities were all shaped by my parents and my teachers at church and Christian schools.
With that history you can imagine why Donald Sloat’s book, Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home, was such a surprise to me! What could POSSIBLY be dangerous about family gatherings to pray and sing, praying before meals, regularly attending worship services, or memorizing Scriptures for prizes in Vacation Bible School?
According to Sloat, many people raised in Christian homes struggle with distorted views of God. I was one of them.
First, I saw God as someone whose job was looking to judge people as “Naughty” or “Nice.” My goal? Please God at any cost—mostly to keep an A+ ranking on the “Nice” List. My spirituality was not about a relationship with God, but more about how not to get on his bad side.
My efforts to please God overflowed into trying to please people too, especially men. That’s where my sexuality got off track. Wanting to be liked and adored led me to engaging in intimate acts outside of marriage. But the empty, lonely feelings that followed took away some of the pleasure. I ended up not really pleasing myself or my partners for the long haul.
My other distortion of God’s character was believing that God could and would bless anyone and everyone who called upon Him—except me. I thought that my guilt and shame rendered me undeserving of His gifts, forgiveness, and kindness.
Without even knowing they were distortions, I carried these burdensome views with me for most of my adult life. I was tangled—my heart and my mind were jumbled up and confused.
Stay tuned for Part 2—Frustrated where I’ll talk about what happened as a result of those distortions from the early days of my religious education and training.
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On my journey through life, I’ve experienced bad stuff. Why does bad stuff happen? Why doesn’t God stop bad stuff from happening? How do I live with/in the midst of bad stuff? Join me as I explore with you the answers to these questions in a 3-part series. I need to let you know up front that my answers will reflect both my lived experiences and biblical perspectives.
This is Evil–Part 3, where I focus on the third question: How do I live with/in the midst of bad stuff? But before you read this blog, let me suggest that you first review Evil–Part 1: Why does bad stuff happen? and Evil–Part 2: Why doesn’t God stop bad stuff from happening? Then, return and continue reading here.
Early in 2015, I was living with headaches pretty much all day every day. But initially, I did nothing to attend to those signs/symptoms—I just kept working and living as usual.
At a routine eye appointment later that year, around springtime, I reported my headaches. My optometrist took a closer look and told me my left eye was extended further out than my right eye (protopsis).
She had me meet with a neurologist who specialized in ophthalmology who confirmed her findings. He then ordered a couple of rounds of brain imaging and told me there was a mass in my brain—it turned out to be a meningioma (primary brain tumor).
Then, to be on the safe side, he also ordered imaging of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis to see if there were any issues there. Turns out there was cancer in my left kidney that at that point had taken over almost half the organ.
Long story short, in the Summer of 2015 I had my left kidney removed, followed later in the Fall of that same year with my first brain surgery. Because of the position of my brain tumor, they couldn’t get it all out—too close to other critical stuff. So, every 6- to 9-months since then, I go for brain imaging to check the status of the tumor.
In the Spring of 2019, the report came back that there was an increase/expansion of the tumor. The following Winter 2020, I had my second brain surgery, followed that summer with radiation therapy. One unfortunate consequence of that radiotherapy was that I lost vision in my left eye.
So, among the bad stuff in my life is living today with a brain tumor, vision in only one eye, and only one kidney with stage 3 chronic kidney disease.
There’s more that I could share with you about the bad stuff in my life, but that’s not the point of this blog. The point is what do I do with my bad stuff and all the bad stuff around me.
For me, it begins with a mindset reset.
A person’s usual attitude or mental state is his or her mindset: a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how you will interpret and respond to situations.
A typical mindset regarding bad stuff is that only good stuff should happen to me and, if God was truly loving–omniscient–omnipotent–omnipresent, he would stop bad stuff from happening to me.
Living with that mindset is like trying to catch the wind in your hands—it’s not going to happened in this life. In fact, here’s what God tells me:
I believe God. And so, I’ve reset my mindset from expecting that only good will happen to me to accepting that bad stuff will also happen to me and will exist all around me UNTIL Jesus Christ, who has already overcome the world, returns at his second coming to usher in a new Earth and a new Heaven and a new Me.
But even with that mindset reset, there still remains for me two critical questions:
I have resolved to follow Jesus Christ—his life and his teachings are my guide for living.
Why?
Because over my life journey, I’ve found his way to be better than my own way or the ways of this world. For me, Jesus is more reliable and trustworthy than any other option (worldview, philosophy, theory, religion, person, gods, etc.) out there.
We all believe in something or someone. Based on my experiences, I choose to believe in Jesus Christ and journey with him through my life—in the midst of both the good and the bad.
While there is bad stuff in my life, there is also good stuff in my life. Instead of allowing myself to be consumed with the bad stuff, I choose instead to deliberately look for and give thanks for the good stuff.
Am I idealizing life?
Not at all. I just recognize that a positive frame of mind is a better way for me to handle the bad stuff of life, than is a negative frame of mind that doesn’t move me one iota closer to resolving anything.
Does that mean I ignore the bad stuff in my life, or go through life with smiles on my face all the time, or hop around every day like a blackbird in the sun?
No, certainly not!
Bad stuff is BAD, and often comes with consequences that are really hard to deal with. Sometimes I grow weary, feel down, or just want to give up. But that actually compels me all the more to talk with God about what’s going on in my life and ask him for help. Over the years, God has risen to the top of my list to reach out to for help.
Does he always give me what I ask for?
No.
But my cumulative life experiences have taught me that he hears me, listens to me, and always answers my requests for help according to what he knows is right and best for me. My personal life history to date leaves no doubt in my mind that God is looking out for me and has my best in mind. Therefore, I’ll keep trusting him with my life.
And I have a social network—family and friends—who know what’s going on in my life, pray for me, encourage me, and help me in tangible ways at just the right time. We support each other. It’s like we’re journeying through life together.
I also reach out to experts to help me with some of the specific challenges I’m facing. Over my lifetime, I’ve received valuable help from healthcare providers, clergy, counselors, coaches, and other professionals. I’m not afraid to reach out for help when I need it.
If I take the Word of God—the Holy Bible—to be true, and I do, then there’s a happening ahead in my future that I want to be ready for: Jesus Christ coming a second time to the Earth.
By being ready, I mean being among those Jesus takes back with him to a new Heaven and a new Earth that will be without bad stuff!!! When Jesus returns, I’ll be receiving an extraordinary inheritance from my adopted Father—God, the Creator and Sovereign Ruler over all.
We—human beings—are the purveyors of much of the evil on the Earth. If I want to do something about the bad stuff on the earth, let me begin by loving God and loving my neighbor.
There is no question but that the devil is here on the Earth with the expressed intent to destroy us and he has a host of angels joining with him to that end (1 Peter 5:8 & Revelation 12:9). So, is there anything I can do about Satan? Yes!!!
For Satan to rule in my life, I must give him control of my life. That I choose not to do. Rather, I give control of my life to the Holy Spirit whose power—working in, with, for and through me—overcomes the devil.
As God leads, equips, and empowers me, I will work for the good of others. Obviously, I can’t cover the whole world, but I can serve within the sphere of influence God has given me.
I will do what I can to share with others the love and truth God has shared with me. I will not be passive nor silent.
Evil will not last forever—absolutely not!!! There will be an end to Satan and an end to evil and those who follow after evil. Jesus is coming again with a new Heaven and a new Earth where there will be no Satan nor evil. But unfortunately, it will get worse before it gets better as history and world events confirm.
Until then, I must stand firm in my faith in Jesus and my hope in my future inheritance—a new residence free of evil—and live on purpose to glorify God and edify others.
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Welcome to Frustrated, Part 2 of a 3-part series, Confronting the Realities of Pre-Marital Sex. Check out Part 1, Tangled, to read about some distorted Christian principles that shaped my views and behaviors about sexual intimacy.
In this post, I share about some high costs associated with sex without the benefit of the marriage commitment. Somewhere along my life’s journey, I discovered that some of my distress around sexual intimacy was based on what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance”—discrepancies between my intellectual commitment (i.e., wanting to live in ways that honor God) and my behaviors (i.e., satisfying my basic needs for love and affection in ways that were inconsistent with my “stated” values).
During those years when I was engaging in sexual intimacy outside of marriage, I often felt at least two pervasive emotions: deep sadness and shame about my choices, and fear of being found out. Here is how each emotion manifested itself.
Deep Sadness and Shame
Sometimes when I felt lonely, I would look for a way to satisfy my needs for security and love with a sexual experience. Even though I said I wanted to honor God by living His way, instead I chose my own way to meet my needs. The “return on my investment” was only temporary pleasure, followed by loneliness—the morning after left me alone again, and my heart ached with deep sadness.
Here’s an example. During my sexually active days, I might engage with someone for a period of time. After a few dates and good times, I would say to myself, “This just might lead to the security and committed relationship I long for. It seems like he’s really into me.” (No pun intended.) But then, fade to black. I was disappointed with myself for not living up to the values I had claimed were mine. And I felt abandoned.
The shame surfaced when people said nice things about me—something I said or did. I welcomed their praise and thanked them. However, I felt ashamed about my double life. I thought, “If they really knew what I was struggling with, they would most likely condemn me instead of praise me.”
And for a people pleaser like me, condemnation was a very heavy burden.
Fear of Being Found Out
Wanting a loving relationship that would result in a happy, lifelong marriage led to what I call “people-pleasing on steroids.” Empty, lonely feelings robbed me of the pleasures God intended for sexual intimacy between husband and wife in a committed, lifelong marriage, and I ended up not really pleasing myself or my partner for the long haul.
I could only hope that no one would find out about my intense struggle with sex outside of marriage.
Sidebar: There is something I must add here. It’s about fertility in the lives of many women in their childbearing years. During this season, our hormones vacillate. At various points in the menstrual cycle, the libido LIT UP!!!!!!!!!! This is normal. However, I had said I valued celibacy. So, the disconnect between my value and my behavior haunted me when they didn’t align. I felt like a failure for not keeping my promises.
I was frustrated—unsuccessful and disappointed.
As “fate” would have it, my secret longings for a loving, committed relationship resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. (I used the term “fate”, but actually it was the natural outcome of having unprotected sex. But I was in denial that it would actually happen.)
As the days and months went by, it became apparent that a little person was growing inside me. My struggle was showing! While I was excited about becoming a mother, I also felt relieved—now my struggle had become public; no more hiding.
The pregnancy—and subsequently motherhood—launched me into an entirely new season of life. Read about it in Transformed, Part 3 of this series coming soon.
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Copyright © 2024 Training for Transformation, Inc. All rights reserved.